When I first saw the vast amounts of fields, I felt a huge pressure on me. It was my first soccer game and I felt that I was not ready for it. I tried to remember all the things that my coach taught me. As soon as I got on the field there was a feeling of pride. Being able to play in just a beautiful field with my friends and teammates was just a privilege. When I played I forgot everything and I only thought of soccer.
When ever I made a mistake, I didn't here critism but ways on I could improve. I felt so joyed to be there because I was able to get away from homework, pain, and stress. As I got to go back to the field more and more I appreciated more and more. It was such a great feeling to get away from the world. Being a defender, I had times where I could just stand for a couple of seconds. It was those times where I could think about the wondering thoughts in my head. And the shouts of my coach would wake me and I would go back to playing.
During a season, we would have games every week and I would try so hard not to miss it. Even if it meant not eating breakfast. So almost every week I was able to go. As I played I would do various things. When ever I would kick the ball I felt some of my stress disappear. The feeling of relieveness would strengthen as I got more tired. After every game, I would go into the car and just sit. It was something that I just did. It was a time of reflection for me. Being on the field was also a reminder of all the things that happened on there, good and bad.
Being able to go to he field with my friends and team mates is just a one of a kind treasure that I had found. When I step on the field I feel a sense of hope and serenity. I do not have to deal with the problems that I face in other places and time. It is two hours of peace and serenity. A lot of memories were made there and I hope it continues. Although I was unable to go for a while, it will still be my Querencia.
Aloha Dogun,
ReplyDeleteI understood the purpose of this essay. You described your Querencia mostly from your thoughts. So I think that you should add some more details that you see with your eyes. What I mean by that is to describe more about what you see than what you feel. Your writing does address a specific audience and I really enjoyed and understood what you wrote about. You did present the topic in an effective and appropriate form. Your writing was very clear and your topic was focused well. Your writing is very smooth, but there are some parts where you misspelled some words. One of them is located on the last paragraph. "Being able to go to THE field.." Some of your sentences are kind of repetitive. ex) (2nd paragraph) "As I got to go back to the field MORE AND MORE I appreciated MORE AND MORE." I could hear your voice very well in this essay but if you give more details or visuals then that would make the essay a whole lot better. You added a lot of your thoughts into this but like i said in the beginning I think you need more details about how you see the place. Overall you did a great job in enlightening me and informing me about your querencia! GOOD JOB :)
Dogun,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your essay, and how unique it was since it is a soccer field. During this essay I could really understand what your purpose was. I like how you gave the reader a visual representation of what was going on inside your head. As the reader I feel like this essay doesn't address a specific audience I think that you should add some more sensory details like put us into the soccer field with you, so we can visualize what you are doing to make us feel like that is your special place. Your writing was clear and the topic was covered and focused well. Conventions for this essay were good, but I would suggest in your 2nd paragraph where you said " as I go back to the field more and more I appreciated more and more." I think you should say as I got back to the field more and more, I started to appreciate it more and more. During this essay I feel that I can hear your voice clear at some points. I really suggest adding more reflection and personal comments because It gives us a clearer visual, For example, how do you feel, Who's there, what are you doing, etc. But overall I feel you did a good job, you just need to add more visuals but good job!
YOUR STRONGEST PARAGRAPH IS YOUR LAST BECAUSE YOU EXPLAIN. THE PARAGRAPHS NEED TO GO INTO DETAIL MORE AND EXPLAIN YOUR IDEAS USING IMAGERY AND SENSORY DETAIL. PAINT US A STORY INSTEAD OF TELLING US ABOUT IT. LASTLY, WHY THIS PLACE COMPARED TO EVERYWHERE ELSE, WHAT MAKES IT SO UNIQUE. AS(2+)
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